As a member of Toastmasters International, I’ve delivered speeches on many different topics, including circadian rhythm, television test patterns, co-sleeping and the family bed, and interior paint colors. But it wasn’t until shortly before Lent of this year that I spoke on a topic relating to the Catholic faith.
The idea of doing so first occurred to me a year earlier, when I attended a Toastmasters club meeting on Ash Wednesday. Noting that a handful of members had ashes on their foreheads, I wondered how many of the non-Catholic majority at the meeting knew what the ashes represented. I saw the chance to do a little evangelizing in my role as speaker, so when Lent came around again, I seized the opportunity to give a speech on Catholic customs.
I chose to explain a few of the more commonly misunderstood customs in a speech that was not to exceed seven minutes. The tone of the speech was light, bordering at times on silly. After all, I was supposed to be entertaining my fellow Toastmasters, so it would have been bad form for me to lay heavy theology on them. Anyway, I thought that a little bit of fun might serve to counter the popular image of Catholics as sanctimonious sourpusses.
The speech was well-received, and I got just the feedback that I’d been hoping for. One gentleman, a native of India, said he was pleased that I’d explained the use of holy water, which had puzzled him for years. For other members of the audience, the speech simply sparked conversation, a necessary prelude to evangelization. One woman in the group, a Lutheran, spoke warmly about her admiration for the Catholic Church, which was based on the Church’s fortitude in the face of opposition and scorn. Another man shared that, although he was not Catholic, he had felt such an attraction to the Church when he was a college student that he wrote an entire research paper on its teachings.
Here’s the text of the speech:
The Catholics are coming, and they’ll be out in droves two weeks from now, on the day designated by the Catholic Church as Ash Wednesday. You’ll recognize these Catholics by the dark smudges on their foreheads. The smudges appear there once a year, distracting well-meaning non-Catholics who often react by saying things like, “Ya got some dirt on your forehead there.” But instead of washing off the smudges, many Catholics will choose to wear them faithfully all day.
I ought to know. I’m a Catholic, and I’m going to explain this odd ritual, along with some other typically Catholic stuff that perplexes non-Catholics.
Now, about those smudges. They’re actually ashes, the burnt remains of the blessed palms from the previous year’s Palm Sunday celebration. In the blessing of the ashes, four ancient prayers are recited, and the ashes are then sprinkled with holy water. At Ash Wednesday services, members of the congregation are marked with the ashes while the priest says the words, “Remember that you are dust, and to dust you shall return.”
So, do Catholics go around with dirty faces in order to proclaim their holiness? No, we do it for the opposite reason: to identify ourselves as sinners in need of repentance, and also, as members of one community united in faith.
If you were listening closely you may have heard me mention a substance that’s lately gotten a lot of attention, thanks to Edward Cullen. That substance is holy water, and it’s one of the most misunderstood objects of devotion in the Catholic faith. There is a substantial body of cinematic evidence showing that holy water is effective in overcoming vampires. But let’s separate the fact from the fiction…or the holy from the Hollywood.
Fact: Holy water was not invented by the Catholic Church, but was already being used by the Jews in Old Testament times for ritual purification. The holy water we now use is itself simply a mixture of exorcised salt and water that has been blessed by a priest. The water symbolizes purity of soul, and the salt symbolizes prudence.
Historically, Catholics have used holy water to bless, to baptize, and to obtain protection, forgiveness, and graces. But please note: holy water is not a lucky charm, magically religious. The good effects of holy water depend not on the water itself, but on the disposition of the person using it. If I use holy water with faith and openness to God’s grace, my devotion will increase and I will benefit. But if I dip my Powerball ticket into holy water, thinking it will give me winning numbers, I’m guilty of superstition, and will get nothing out of it but a soggy ticket.
The Catholics are coming, and we have attitude! For one thing, we claim that the head of the Catholic Church, the Pope, is infallible. And it gets worse: I’m not the Pope, and I believe that I’M infallible, most of the time. When I say that I love my kids, or that the Giants won the Super Bowl, or that this Toastmasters Club rocks, I’m speaking infallibly, that is, without error. In fact, YOU speak infallibly, most of the time. And you’re not the Pope, either.
Does papal infallibility mean that the Pope can never make a mistake? No. Infallibility means only that, in matters of faith and morals, the Pope is prevented by the Holy Spirit from teaching what is false. If the Pope declares that Pepsi tastes better than Coke, or says that Thor would beat Iron Man in a cage match, or claims that Pluto really isn’t a planet, he is speaking subjectively. In these matters, he is as infallible as the next guy wearing a funny hat.
No Catholic would claim that the Pope is morally perfect or that he always practices what he preaches. He is, after all, human. The Pope’s infallibility is restricted to just these two things: teachings on faith and teachings on morals.
The Catholics are coming, and they’re in twos, joined together for no man to put asunder. But suppose that among them is a couple who want out of their marriage. They claim that the “covenant of love” thing just isn’t working for them anymore. Do they simply get themselves an annulment, commonly thought of as a Catholic divorce? Absolutely not, as an annulment is practically the opposite of a divorce. A divorce dissolves a marriage; an annulment asserts that there was no marriage in the first place.
But wait, someone may say, there was a bride and a groom! And a ring! And the father of the bride is thousands of dollars in the hole! How can anyone say that the marriage didn’t take place?
Well, although a couple has gone through the motions, their marriage may nonetheless be invalid. There are many factors that can contribute to the invalidity of a marriage, including insufficient age, alcoholism, and drug abuse. A Catholic whose marriage was determined to be invalid, and who wants to have the invalid marriage annulled, must go through a lengthy annulment process that includes plenty of paperwork and annoying legalities. In these details, at least, annulments and divorces are, sadly, very much alike.
The Catholics are coming. You’ll recognize them by the smudges on their foreheads. Catholics are nice people and they make good conversation. You should consider inviting one out to dinner. Just don’t expect him to wash his face first.
Copyright © 2013, Celeste Behe
Celeste Behe
Celeste Behe is a storyteller and sometime humorist who, according to one book author, "writes like Garrison Keillor would, if he were Catholic and had nine kids." She is also a contributor to Faith & Family magazine, the National Catholic Register, and the Integrated Catholic Life, and she blogs at A Perpetual Jubilee. As a designated Toastmaster, Celeste entertains audiences with both nostalgic tales of her childhood in the Bronx, and modern-day tales of adventure that could only be told by the mother of nine. Celeste's memoir--cum-cookbook, Nine Kids, No Dishwasher: A Celebration of Life, Love, and Table, is a work in progress.
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Celeste, I so love the voice and perspective you bring to New Evangelizers. This made me smile and think, maybe even at the same time! Thanks for that!