“I was groaning in spirit and shaken by violent anger because I could form no resolve to enter into a covenant with you, though in my bones I knew that this was what I ought to do.”
St. Augustine is speaking of the torment in his heart shortly before his conversion. He is about to take the plunge after a long spiritual journey.
Augustine’s story is one for the ages. He was a genius from a well-off family in the Roman Empire. His wealth and ability made him arrogant, but his overwhelming lusts plunged him deep in the carnal sin. He lived this way for years while his mother Monica prayed for his soul.
And because of her prayers, Austustine came under the influence of St. Ambrose and he became enamored with St. Paul. But he also found intellectual enlightenment with philosophers like Plato, who convinced him that good was always better than evil. All of these pieces and parts have slowly shattered his illusions about life. Or in a more positive image (one closer to Augustine’s), they have slowly let the light into his darkness.
He precedes the above quote with several stories of other people’s conversions. What vexes him so much at this point is that he does not understand why he is not converting when others have done so. He writes, “Are we ashamed to follow, just because they have taken the lead, yet not ashamed of lacking the courage even to follow?” It seems like there is a war between his head and his heart. Everything in his intellect tells him that the Christian faith is true, but there is resistance in his heart.
This selection is important because it gives us an insight into not only Augustine’s personal story, but also into human nature. Truth is an important part of our earthly desires. But we are not robots or Vulcans; we are not moved only by cold logic. Augustine struggles with that same internal battle we have when we intellectually know the right thing to do, but our feelings and our will are not in alignment. Augustine makes this point earlier when his mother Monica begged a bishop to speak to him about the faith. The bishop refused because he said that Augustine’s heart would be closed. Even if the bishop were able to convince him intellectually, without the heart, there would be no conversion.
The challenge to those who minister is that we must reach people through both the head and the heart: the intellect as well as the love. Augustine’s conversion does have a strong intellectual component to it. As a theology teacher, I see the importance of laying down a solid rational foundation for the faith. I found that when this was absent, people easily became unmoored from Christianity. This is because they believe it to be based on irrational superstition and tradition. When people only have an emotional connection to their faith, they can quickly become untethered to God. Emotions come and go, often outside of our control. We cannot always feel zealous or cheerful. If our faith is built on the shifting sands of passion alone, it will be lost. That is why reason, philosophy, theology, and the like are needed.
However, another important lesson I have learned that Augustine highlights is that you cannot argue someone into having faith in Jesus. As a theology teacher, I liken myself to God’s janitor: I remove the clutter and the intellectual obstacles that get in the way of a meeting with Christ, just as was done with Augustine (especially in Books VII-VIII of The Confessions). Augustine could feel his heart moving, but he had questions that needed answering. But even when these obstacles were removed, Augustine struggled with the question:
Why wasn’t he converting?
Because in the end, we each must enter into a personal relationship with Jesus. Those who do ministry are not the saviors. Christ is the savior. All we can do is make the introduction. Each person must choose.
The real turning point for Augustine was when God spoke to him in the Scriptures. Relationships are not purely rational affairs, but are mostly matters of the heart. We can cooperate with God’s grace to inflame the hearts of those around us so that they too can fall in love with Jesus. When that happens, then the war between the mind and the heart ceases and the harmony of the soul can be restored. Or as it happened to Augustine, “the light of certainty flooded my heart and all dark shades of doubt fled away.”
Copyright 2024, WL Grayson
W.L. Grayson
I am a devoutly Catholic theology teacher who loves a popular culture that often, quite frankly, hates me. I grew up absorbing every movie, TV show, comic book, science fiction novel, etc. I could find. As of today I’ve watched over 2100 movies and tv shows. They take up a huge part of my life. I don’t know that this is a good thing, but it has given me a common vocabulary to draw from in order to illustrate whatever theological point I make in class. I’ve used American Pie the song to explain the Book of Revelation (I’ll post on this some time later) and American Pie the movie to help explain Eucharist (don’t ask). The point is that the popular culture is popular for a reason. It is woven into the fabric of our lives and imaginations, for good or ill. In this blog I will attempt to bring together the things of heaven with the things of earth. Of course this goal may be too lofty for someone like me.
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