It’s time to grow up. Really. That means having standards. I don’t just mean the kind of standards that you quietly keep to yourself so as not to offend anyone. No, I mean the kind that everyone knows where you stand.
It’s not as easy as it sounds. It means that sometimes, people will get mad at you. They might label you as judgmental. Ouch. If you enjoy being liked by others, then it won’t feel good to have a social circle shut you out or to realize that others’ impression of you has just gone down a notch or two. Or ten.
Standards vs. Bigotry
Standards that were once understood as decency have become synonymous with narrowness and bigotry. Being counter-culture was paraded as the ideal during the sixties and the trend never quit. Our modern-day heroes are the ones that throw off the shackles of socially acceptable behavior in order to mix things up a bit. The social acceptability of yesteryear is often considered the radically conservative today.
It’s as though we cannot stop it. Once upon a time, having moral standards was more than okay; it was desirable. There seems to be precious little anymore that we hold sacred as a standard. Rules seem only meant to be broken. We’ve gone so far as to even challenge the rules of nature. Contraception, abortion, sex change operations, same-sex marriages, cloning…not even nature is above our rebellion. Granted, medicines and surgeries are examples of man overcoming nature but without moral rules to guide us, there are no boundaries of right and wrong, it only matters what we want, not what God wants—as if the two should be opposed.
“No Standards” is Today’s Standard
Nowadays, people pride themselves on casting off rules and being “non-judgmental.” It is the epitome of being politically correct not to judge anyone, regardless of behavior. Being non-judgmental, in effect, means you have no standards; there is no behavior that you deem unacceptable. It means that even when others indulge in behaviors that are immoral, you personally are not going to judge them. That’s pretty much the mainstream trend these days. Jesus told us specifically not to judge others, so it seems good on the surface, but He did not tell us not to have standards. He told us to love the sinner but hate the sin. To hate the sin, that means to recognize the sin. But when people claim to be non-judgmental, in effect they are saying, “I don’t see any sin.”
Whenever someone points out a behavior as being immoral and therefore wrong, an outcry arises and labels fly: bigot, hypocrite, and hate monger! Our society wants to erase moral standards so that anyone crossing the line of decency can do so without judgment. Rather than stop bad behaviors, we want to silence people that tell us what bad behavior is. Thus, to have standards and not hide them under a bushel basket means you are going to irritate some people along the way.
Teach Your Children Well
Kids are pretty straightforward and literal. Loving the sinner and hating the sin can be a complicated concept. If Grandma is pro-choice and lets everyone know that she thinks it’s no one’s business if a woman chooses an abortion, you have a difficult situation. The kids love Grandma. She takes them places and gives them presents. How could she be in favor of something bad? Or maybe there is an aunt or a teacher that lives with a boyfriend, or an uncle that has a boyfriend. And what about the people in your life that divorce and remarry without an annulment?
Life is not black and white. There are many nice people doing things that Jesus taught was a sin.
The people that you love in your life do not always follow your values. That not only leaves you in an awkward situation as a parent, but it can confuse your children. What is a parent to do? If you say nothing, then you risk your children getting their cues from people that oppose what you think is right and wrong. Therefore, the situation must be addressed.
We can teach our children that Jesus did tell us to love one another. But he also taught us right from wrong. The Bible speaks clearly about obedience. For kids, that mean being obedient to their parents and for adults, they should be obedient to God’s laws.
By explaining the Catholic teaching on issues, our children can understand the theology behind the values you teach them. It’s also important for them to understand that God made rules to protect us and help us to be good and get to heaven. I teach my kids that not everyone understands God’s laws or even knows what they are but we are very blessed that we do.
Since people that oppose those values have their own reasons for thinking they are right, it’s good to explain to children why people can make bad choices and think it’s okay. For instance, I always use great compassion to explain to children the reasons women have abortions. I tell them that maybe they are afraid because they don’t have a job or think no one will help them take care of the baby. I don’t condemn others, but I do explain that it’s wrong and it’s a sin. In the end, sin will harm us and harm others.
It’s best to avoid putting our kids in situations where they have to be confronted by conflicts in values with adults. Instead, shield them wherever possible by letting adults know that you are the parent and it’s your responsibility to teach values.
Don’t let others try to influence your children by giving “their” side of things. It’s not their place to do so. If you hear they have violated your trust, put restrictions in place so it won’t happen again. Remember, this is part of the territory of setting standards and accepting that it won’t always make you popular. Part of being a parent means growing up and growing strong against the tide of what passes as politically correct opinions.
There were times in my own family when conflict was unavoidable in order to stop a relative from proselytizing their opinions. Speaking up often means causing someone to feel insulted. Sometimes others will feel you look down on them no matter how nicely you try to state your differences. In such situations, all you can do is ask for God’s guidance and courage to follow His will and put it in as loving terms as you can.
But when it comes to your children, teach them clearly, explaining the reasons. Then, give them permission to love others by your own example of praying for them and showing love and respect to those that differ with you but without compromising your values.
Since the world is full of opposing values, it’s also good to help kids practice how to handle such differences on their level. Have practice conversationd with your kids. Ask them how they might handle a friend that says it’s okay to lie or steal. Don’t think it’s off limits to talk about some of the big stuff. Consider how much they will be exposed to in their world and explain accordingly, keeping in mind that the younger they are the simpler we need to make our explanations.
In the end, our own example will speak volumes to our children. As the primary educator of our children, once we have taught them our values, they need to see us living them out in love and courage.
Copyright © 2013, Patti Maguire Armstrong
Patti Maguire Armstrong
Patti Maguire Armstrong and her husband have ten children. She currently works as a communications specialist with Teresa Tomeo Communications and worked in the fields of social work and public administration before staying home. Patti is an award-winning writer, speaker and was managing editor and co-author of Ascension Press’s Amazing Grace Series. She has appeared on EWTN, and Catholic TV as well as radio stations across the country. Her latest books, Big Hearted: Inspiring Stories from Everyday Families (Scepter Publishers) and Dear God I Don’t Get It (for children from Liguori Publications), will be released in Spring 2013. To read more visit Patti’s blog and website. Follow her on Twitter or Facebook at her author page.
4 responses to “Enough Already!”
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Patti, you are so wise and explain clearly what is so confusing to those with no faith or those of faith who lack courage. Stepping out in faith to judge (at least in our hearts) the sins that God tells us are wrong, puts us on the side of Truth. The courage to speak out takes timely discernment so we don’t offend the human dignity of the sinner. As we recognize that we are all sinner and need to help one another, we can teach our children and those around us that compassion you wrote about so beautifully. We ultimately have a choice to please man or please God. We can please God by protecting our children while teaching them to pray for all the sinners, including all of us.
The ‘New Normal’ is simply a resting spot along the slide down the slippery slope of progressives on the way to the collection of destruction found at the bottom.
Luciano Corbo
Amen to that, Luciano. Although it’s nothing I feeling like shouting out, but sadly, I think you hit the nail on the head. But we aren’t going down, we are holding steady while society slips. Such is the world we live in.
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